Weekend bliss

I spent the weekend playing with lincoln logs, giving baths and playing games. She played dress up, and we played school. I watched the movie "Barbie as Rapunzel" and then read the same as a bedtime story. When I was done reading, K and I discussed the differences between the movie and the book. We went to the playground and I read my book while she climbed all over the place. It was such a sweet weekend. I so look forward to many more days like this. She is a very sweet girl, and we are so blessed to have her in our lives. I do have to wonder though, how long with the honeymoon phase last? =)



It has been a while since I posted on this. We had a pretty great summer. I did not take any classes this summer. I started a new schedule at work, where I am off every other Friday so that is pretty great. We made it to my home town twice this summer. We also went to Cali to visit J's family. Pretty great summer.

I have a new little friend. She is 5 years old. We are going to try to foster adopt her. I can't wait, and I SO hope it happens. She is such a beautiful little girl and she's very smart. It is something that Jose and I thought long and hard about. Taking a child that is older was not a challenge we thought we would be ready for. So we started spending more time with her and getting to know her. She spends the weekends with us, and it feels pretty natural. That was what helped us to decide. Now we are just waiting for the state to give the final word.

The yearning for our own child has mellowed a lot in me since we decided to take K. She makes me feel like a mom, she tells me that she loves me, and always wants to be near me. She is very independent, and very funny. She is always on my mind. I look forward to teaching her new things. I look forward to seeing the wonder in her eyes when she sees new things. I look forward to her calling me mom. I look forward to the beautiful relationship that her and J will create. It will be challenging, but the rewards will outweigh the challenges. So begins a new chapter in our lives...

My song is on the radio right now....the one about "oh where oh where can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me. She's gone to heaven so I've got to be good.....So I could see my baby when I leave this world."


keep on movin!

For the past couple of weeks I have had major motivation to "spring clean". Since I am at the end of a semester at the university it is very hard to sit down and work on my school work when I could be dusting, de-cluttering, or organizing. What does that mean? It means that I am non-stop everyday. I work from 7:30 to 5. Then I go home, cook (clean while i am cooking), and then clean some more. I then get on my computer to work on some homework. Then I get up and clean here and there, then homework again. This goes on until around 10:30 or 11 pm.

Needless to say, I am getting burnt out. I can't seem to stop though. The good news is, this is the last week of this semester, so I will be able to clean like a mad woman, and get it out of my system. =) So, as I sit here writing, knowing that probably nobody reads this, I am cleaning my desk at work- another clean, work, clean, work situation. =) Oh, and did I mention that it is a beautiful sunny day here in little ole' Juneau, AK?! I love it! Makes my gardening hands itch to get into the rich soil....more on that later. ;)


I have to be good

Have you ever heard that song "Last Kiss"? It is by Pearl Jam. So in July of 2001 I lost a baby to miscarriage. My little Angel has been on my mind a lot in the past couple of weeks. This is the song that kept running through my head all thru the agonizing days of losing her. Here is a segment from that song:

"Oh, where oh where can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me She's gone to heaven, so I got to be good So I can see my baby when I leave this world."

Really, this segment of the song is the only part that I remembered, and the part of the song that kept running through my head. Now that I look at the full lyrics, it is the only segment of the song that closely matches my loss. Anyhow, I wonder if the reason that I have been thinking about my little Angel so much is because it would have been right around now that my Angel would have been born- 7 years ago.

I wonder if others who have a miscarriage at 3 months pregnant feel the same loss that I do. It still hurts. I wonder too if the sadness would lessen if we had a baby. I don't know. Hopefully some day soon I will know. Recently my husband, J, told me that he feels very sad for the loss of our baby too. It good to know that I am not alone in this.



What marriage means to me:

Growing up, I saw a lot of troubled marriages, and the resulting divorce. I saw how hard it was for all parties involved to go through a divorce. I always thought to myself, "that will never be me." So I didn't get married until I knew that he was the one. He isn't perfect, he has his faults, but so do I and every other normal person in the world. There aren't many, and I try my best not to be picky. We never yell when we fight. We always make up. Sometimes it is hard work, but mostly it is a great life. I think we balance each other out, and match each other with faults so much that we don't mention them to one another. We don't lead an exciting life, but often dream of one. Someday this, and someday that. We keep it real, and honest. I wasn't great at trusting due to past relationships and getting hurt time after time, but slowly but surely my walls came down, and he had 100% of my trust and love. There were some scares where he almost lost my trust, but once I forgive, I forget, and we move forward. We are at a rough part in our marriage, and I am having a hard time letting go. I know I need to, and I know that in the end, we will still be together, so the sooner I forgive and forget, the less I will torture myself. So here I write, to remind myself that he is the one. He chose me, and I chose him. Our love is true and strong, and we will get through this, together.

We got married on November 10, 2001. It was a very eventful year. There was the 9/11 tragedy. It was the year that we lost our precious little angel to a miscarriage. It was the last year that I worked in Excursion Inlet because that is where it happened. It is the year I started my job at the state of Alaska. So, there it is. Us in a nutshell. Still in Alaska after all these years even though there are all the some days and dreams of warmer weather.


Holidays and cheer...

I have always been very excited about Christmas. Even though when I fill out some survey that asks me my favorite holiday, I can never remember that Christmas is my fav~lol. Well this year was no different. There were no surprises for me, but it was an all in all great Christmas. I ordered a laptop from Costco when they were having a great deal in November, and got it around the 20th of November. At the time J said it would be my anniversary present (November 10th) and I was happy about that, since I wasn't expecting anything. Then once Christmas neared, and I took out my laptop he asked me "how do you like your new laptop?" And I replied "Oh I love it!" He said "Good, so it is like your Christmas present then" Um, yeah.

So Christmas is all about giving, not about receiving. J has always been like this, so I was not too surprised, so I proceeded to do my usual spoiling of Mr J. Growing up he never really had a Christmas, at all, and so now he does and I don't. Wah wah wah. I know. I really didn't think he would actually not get me anything at all. I did get some gifts from other family members. I actually took some time off from work and just stayed home! That was pretty great. I stayed home for one week. It was great, I got SO much done! That was the greatest gift of all this year (besides the laptop).

New years: We are going to our friends house tonight. It is not going to be a blow out party or anything, and if it was, I don't know if I could handle it. It has been so very long since I actually had an exciting New Years. We are going to hang out and watch movies, and have some champagne at midnight. We usually stay there until about 3 in the morning (record time for J). When I told him we would be going there for New Years Eve, he asked me "are you OK with that?" And I was like "Well, it is better than being home in bed (sleeping) at midnight!" I know, I am such a brat, but I am feeling lately how very mundane our life really is, it must be midlife crisis! LOL! I hope not, I am not that old after all.

*later~after the "party"...
OK. I can't really call it a party. There were three couples, and 4 kids. I handed out the Christmas gifts that I wasn't able to give them since they were in Mexico. We had dinner. It was ceviche made with soy (better than it sounds). Then we watched a home video of a party in Mexico, though interesting, not really my cup of tea since I didn't know any of them. I was getting texts from everyone else having a normal celebration all dressed up and counting down. That just made it harder to be sitting there watching the History Channel (I'm not kidding~from 8:30-11:30). Finally at 11:55pm I asked if we could at least watch the count down. We did, and had some champagne that I brought over (I immediately downed 3 glasses and was happy). Then J was ready to go home. It was an ok night all in all. It could have been worse I guess.


Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving to me, well I have to say it has ALWAYS been about the deviled eggs and stuffed celery! As soon as I was old enough, I was put in charge of the deviled eggs. I have mastered them. My entire dinner was wonderful last night. Let me tell you my secret though........I bought a turkey fully cooked from Safeway! Yes, I cheated this year. I have so many projects and quizzes due that I spent the day having quality time with J and working on my homework. I did however make all the side dishes, including rolls. I am not entirely happy with the rolls, not because they didn't turn out, but because I burnt my arm while putting them in the oven! =(

Since I was so excited for dinner to be done, i only got as far as taking a picture of my deviled eggs:

(will post later)

I spent the evening trying to stay awake long enough to get some homework done, but was so full and sleepy that I gave up and fell right to sleep at 10:30. Awww...another holiday gone.